this is not blogging; this is typing
Thurs, 24 July, is the anniversary of my birth.
XX years ago, and all that….
But this one is no biggie
No cause for big celebration or moving speeches.
No reflection on the landmark achievement of reaching XX.
No reason to get excited or melancholic.
Just another year ticking by.
Sort of nice just to have a low-key day.
Emergency water ready. Check.
Lots of non-perishable food in cupboards. Check.
Spare batteries. Check.
Flash lights and radio. Check.
Emergency booze rations. Check.
Powered-up laptop for blogging in dark. Check.
OK Tropical Storm Christobal. Hit me.
Mosquitoes, horse flies, deer flies, moose flies and any other airborne insect that bites and gives me itchy welts.
They have no respect. You leave a door opened and they come in.
And then they start grazing your flesh and sucking your blood. Vampires!
But I have the ultimate weapon.
The fly swatter. And I WILL use it. Oh yes, dear flies. That last bite you take from me could very well end up being your Last Supper.
And then I will have the last laugh.
What bugs you?
To the indie heads amongst you, Elton John may seem a bit naff, like yesterday’s pop star.
And in many ways he is. He hit his zenith in the early 70s with hit after hit after hit. What a fine legacy he and lyricist writing partner Bernie Taupin have left behind.
I saw Elton John once at Wembley Stadium in London in one of those day-long events that also featured sets by Bonnie Raitt and Eric Clapton. His show was a high-octane, action-packed, stampede down memory lane. I was exhausted by the end of it.
There are too many songs to name here and too many memories that go along with each.
If forced to choose a fave song, I’d have to say Benny and the Jets from Yellow Brick Road. If forced to choose a fave album I’d have to say Captain Fantastic. But those are gun-to-head decisions. So much from that period was great.
What’s your fave Elton John tune?
Everyone knows that SWF* is a standard lingo in the world of personal ads IMglish, but personal ads are swimming in IMglishisms, some of which you may know, others you may not.
It’s important to understand this special IMglish dialect lest you don’t find what you’re looking for, or worse, you end up with something you weren’t looking for.
Look below and see what I mean
BBW - Big Beautiful Woman plus-size and happy with herself
Bi - Bisexual
C - Christian, as in SWCM (Single White Christian Male)
D&S - Dominance and Submission
DDF - Drug and Disease Free
Fet - Fetish
FtM - Female-to-Male Transgendered
FWB - “Friends With Benefits” (friends who have sex without romantic involvement or the expectation thereof)
*Single White Female
That is the question - at the cottage.
Ditto to dishwasher, the blackberry and the TV?
Do you or don’t you - at the cottage.
Are modern conveniences interlopers that bring work and stress to a place that should be free of those things?
Or are they things that give you freedom to be at the cottage?
Where do people stand on this?
It sounds stupid, but it’s true.
When you haven’t done it in 20 years, relaxing is a learned behaviour.
I know other people do it. And I’ve heard it’s good for them. I’ve seen my cat do it. She’s good at relaxing. And relaxing is good for the cat, by all appearances.
But I’m not sure I know how to do it because I’m not in practice. It’s not that I’m a person who thrives on stress. I don’t. My neck and shoulders ache constantly with tension and too much work at the computer.
The aches and stresses are due to circumstances of life for the past 20 years, which have been pretty high-octane: founding and running a business, completing a masters degree, having two children, moving I don’t know how many times with two international moves thrown in for fun, a bunch of different jobs, and late night writing-habit (you know, to keep the sanity.)
I know I’m not alone in this. I’ve heard a lot of women in my phase of life describe these circumstances and symptoms. Some men too. And thanks to some recent and stress-inducing growth in the business, I’ve been able to pull back from an active “doing everything” role to a mentoring, overseeing role. Ahhhh.
This is supposed to allow me to relax, which is great in theory. But how?
I’ve had moments: The other day, I think I relaxed for a half hour at the beach. But then I became distracted and a little stressed by children on water toys not being properly monitored by parents. I can’t relax in that circumstance.
I tried to relax in front of the TV the other night and fell asleep which is a form of relaxing I suppose, but early sleep means waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back to sleep.
Being at the cottage helps, but the anti-relaxing sharks are still nipping at my heels.
I really hope I’m not turning into stress-aholic or a relaxation-phobe.
Any tips? Does anyone know how it’s done?
What do you do to relax?
It’s been a tumultuous couple of weeks in GT-land.
Highs and lows all round.
Roller coaster rides aren’t good for enterprises like blogging. Not good for visiting my dear bloggies either.
But I’m finding my neutral again, as they say in pilates.
I’ll be around to visit all of you.
Thanks for staying with me.
US swimming sensation Dara Torres and is winning short-course events at the Olympic trials this week. But she’s doing more than that. She’s proving that the age barrier can be broken in a demanding sport like swimming.
At the age of 41, she is competing against elite athletes half her age. And she’s winning. She won the 100 M freestyle and as of tonight she won the semi-final for the 50M.
She’s qualified for her fifth Olympics and is set to smash records of age and number of Olympics attended.
The song “American Woman” is being played when she swims. Expect to see her charming face on the cover of magazines in the next few months. Even if she doesn’t win an Olympic medal, she will still be a big-time winner.
As a swimmer, I am both thrilled and nervous about this achievement.
Thrilled because it’ll be great to see Torres become as role model for young girls - as opposed to Britney or Paris who are role models because they are young women behaving badly.
Nervous because age is - or at least, was - the ultimate excuse for under achievement. Now, what’s my excuse?
I’m at the cottage.
WEather’s great - hot and sunny.
The kids are having fun, swimming, tubing, hanging out.
The beach is stunning this year, but the ocean’s still a little nippy.
The jelly fish have arrived. And the mosquitoes! They love me.
We’re getting the blinds up on the windows and getting TV set up for the Olympics this summer.
I’m enjoying sh*t out of this moment because tomorrow I’m going to the funeral of someone who would dearly love to be at the cottage on the beach with her kids right now.
She was 44, smart, dynamic, and always the life of the par-tay. She leaves twin girls aged 14 and their brother, 15. And a big family of brothers, sisters, parents and friends.
I’m so lucky to be here right now. My kids are lucky to be here.
And you are lucky to be there too.
There’s nothing like a holiday to kick off the summer.
There’s beer, barbeques and fireworks, if the weather permits. People know how to do Canada Day when they’re in their own backyard, but when it comes to public celebrations, Canada Day always seems a little awkward to me.*
The trouble is that Canadians aren’t flag-wavers by nature. Our patriotism is more understated than that of our neighbours to the south. Americans celebrate July 4th with gusto, stars and stripes. Canadians tend to be a little embarrassed by the fanfare.
But come Canada Day, they drag out the Maple Leaf flag and try to do the flag-waving patriotism because, well, what else are you supposed to do?
It’s always struck me as a paradox: On one hand, here is a country that is desperate to distinguish itself from its neighbour. But when it celebrates itself, it adopts the very same public shows of celebration as the neighbour it wants to distinguish itself from.
At least at an official level.
You see this with backpackers as well. Canadians will wear a Canadian flag to say they are not American. Yet what is more American than wearing your flag?
Put a Canadian in a hockey rink and that Canadian will know how to be Canadian. But give that Canadian a flag on Canada Day and tell them to wave it, and they will. But it won’t come naturally.
But in our own backyards today, we will know what to do: eat, drink and be merry.
* I observed this Canada Day phenomenon working as an events organizer. You’d give them the government-issue free flags and they’d wave them because that’s what you’re supposed to do, but there was never a lot of conviction. It’s not because Canadians aren’t proud; it’s just that flag-waving isn’t their way of showing it.
… for the whole damned summaaaaaa!
Yeeeehhaaaaw!
This circumstance is the result of a lining-up of the planets that has been approx. 20 years in the making.
Without getting into the details (no, I haven’t won the lottery), the feeling is akin to that of a mountaineer who has just summited Everest after a 20-year climb.
No kidding.
More details will follow at some point, just wanted to say that I’m here at last.
I’m tired, but it’s all good.
Really good.
It’s true. Those big supersized sunglasses are not your friend when you have a smallish head.
Just look a Posh Spice when she wears them.
Poor Posh. Here she is thinking she looks so stylish when really, they make her look like a house fly. I’m sure she never meant to project the “House fly chic” look. But alas, there she is in her big glasses looking like a fly with compound eyes and 180-degree peripheral vision.
Jackie O could wear them because she had a big head and, well, a certain class and style.
But Posh? Not so much.
But then, fashion is funny. It convinces us to wear things like bubble shirts and then ten years later we look back and shake our heads.
Remember the Olivia Newton John headband- and-legging look from the 80s? Or the poofy prom-girl dress of the 90s?
Trust me, the supersized sunglasses are the poofy prom girl dress and the eighties headband and leggings of tomorrow.
Back by popular demand: the GT Imglish series.
Instant message + english = IMglish.
As the world gets faster and comms devices get smaller, IMglish helps us navigate the language and the world. It also helps us to spy on our children.
If a typist wishes to remain relevant and gifted, it is important for her to know these IMglishisms and spread the wrd.
So here goes.
Sometimes you have have to tell your txt partner how you’re feeling about things. These Imglishisms might help to convey happiness or something even better.
VBG very big grin
VEG very evil grin
WEG wicked evil grin
SFETE smiling from ear to ear
SETE smiling ear to ear
HHO1/2K ha ha only half kidding
HHOK ha ha only joking
HHOS ha ha only being serious
There is a big smoking hole left in the world of comedy with the departure of Mr. Seven-words-you-can-never-say-on-TV. And just looking at some of George Carlin’s zingers makes you realize that it’ll be a long time before that hole is filled.
He was one sharp observer and bad-ass comedian.
Here are 50 classics from the man. I hope you split a side, as I did.
My epitaph should say: “He was here a minute ago. Where did he go to? He
was just here.”
Always do whatever’s next.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be
seated closest to the bathroom.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period
of time.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right.
As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been
established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people
who believe it.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something
called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s
disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t
tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their
final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help
section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy
nailed to two pieces of wood.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize
I’m listening to it.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea
is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both
of them together is certain death.
I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell
will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms
shorter.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to
say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has
left town.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just
enough money not to quit.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about
it if I did.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate
to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Religion is just mind control.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of
things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work
and don’t have time for all that.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are
ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I
accept.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere,
someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over
there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent
past.
Think off-center.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what
do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always
wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he
had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that
much more urgent.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in
America, you get a front row seat.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy
bar.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer
Texans.
